Breaking the silence

 

What’s the point of building your dream home if no one ever comes for a visit and you don’t get to share it with those you love?

This is probably going to be the most open post I ever written. Why I’m doing this is because I am fed up and tierd of bottling things up. I need to ventilate. It is that simple. But my situation is far from that. I’m not going to write about all the things that have led me to where I am today and why I have the need to open up. So I promise to try to keep it short.

The thing is that I have almost always lived with other people wether it be a friend or a lover or family. So to be living on my own for the first time in years, is becoming a thing that I am slowly realizing is not for me. I know it has been said that we all should learn to live on our own. That it is good for you. That you will learn who you really are and what you want. And that might be true. But I don’t think we’re meant to live alone always. Or at least that there are people who simply can’t do so. I have tried both and both options have their ups and downs. But after a year and a half of trying the “living on your own” thing, I just can’t do this anymore.

A bit over a year ago, I was basically on the street. I had broken up with my former partner and had no idea what I should do or where I should go. After months of confusion and moving between temporarily solutions, I finally caught a break and got my own place. This was the first apartment in years I had on my own and it was a long-term lease. I was so happy, or at least I though I was.

I relocated to a town I knew only a bit. I had visited it for years but only during summer. Staying only few days, so I can’t really say I knew the place. But it was a calm and quiet town and in the beginning everything was pretty promising. I moved in, I kept on working from home at my evening job that I luckily had been able to take with me. Slowly I started to build my nest planning and dreaming of a place filled with family and friends in the future. But to make a new life and meet new friends was far from easy.

The weeks went by and then the months… I had few visits in the beginning from my friends I had left behind in my old town. But as the time went by the visits got fewer and fewer.

Then the loneliness started to kick in. Slowly but surely it became worse, despite all my efforts to keep myself busy. And so it has been ever since this winter. I havent had much luck in making new acquaintances and my friends have been rather busy with their own lives and struggles. I think I have managed to re-furnish the apartment at least 4 times, just to help me to pass some time and keep my mind off the reality of things.

Then one day I decided to go home and visit my family back in Iceland. I spent about over a week in beautiful surroundings with my daughter, grandchildren, dear friends and my family. It was like I was woken from a long sleep. I felt alive and at peace. There and then I decided to try to move back home to be there for my family and to see my granddaughters grow up. 

As I returned back to Sweden and the apartment that I so desperately had tried to make my home, despite the lack of the social life and network I so badly needed, something happened within me. It was like I had hit a wall. The past month since my return, has felt like a wild rollercoaster ride of emotions and feelings and questions about my life here and how it might become over there. So for a moment I had to put all my plans on hold. Until the other day, when I suddenly got in touch with my feelings again and remembered why in the first place I wanted to make this move happen. 

So here I am today. The decision has been made. I refuse to live my life like this, in this town where I hardly know a soul and where almost no one ever comes by. I refuse to keep on wasting my life and my time in this isolation. I have no idea what the future holds, none of us does. So instead of being afraid and worry about all the what ifs, I choose to believe that this will be ok. I have wonderful people waiting for me and I know I will always have a roof over my head. And I will not be alone anymore.

Everyone around me are building their own lives and planning their futures and I have realised that this is not where my future lies. It lies where my family is. My heart is already there so I might as well join it.

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