Heaven knows that I have made my fair share of mistakes in my life. Some of them have happened due to the fact that I simply didn’t know better at that given moment and therefore never meant to cause any harm on purpose.
Others have happened as the result of being under a lot of pressure and not thinking through things properly.
And then we have the moments that did result from one or both of the scenarios above, but this time under the influence of alcohol. Which most of the time is a bad thing to get in involved with when you aren’t under the right circumstances, feeling anything from sadness or depression or something far worse.
Alcohol is not all bad. I will never put all the blame of my misfortunes on that. Why things go badly when you intake this substance, can be due to series of various facts other than alcohol itself.
For me it was because I have ADHD and therefore sometimes have problems with controlling my feelings, even without drinking. Adding intoxication to that equation often made things even worse. Sometimes to the point that I easily made enemies, even within my circle of friends. Leaving people hurt or disappointed. Or even both.
Why I am writing about this topic today is because it is one of my dearest friends birthday. A friend that has always been there to celebrate me when it was my turn. Always going that extra mile. Whenever he got the chance to.
I, on the other hand, have not been there in the same way for him always. Sometimes life and events came in between that were out of my control, refraining me from being there for him. But then again there have been tragic events that could have been avoided, saving everyone much pain and disappointment.
One birthday of his that stays strongly in my mind, is last year when I managed to fail him badly and hurt him due to one of my reckless actions. (Under influences)
I did have a very tough year last year. And I wasn’t at my best self during last summer. So I was drinking quite heavily, trying to survive all the uncertainty that was going on. But still that doesn’t mean that what I did was ok. It’s not an excuse to my behaviour.
Since the 18th of March this year I have now been sober. And during that time my mind has become clearer than ever and I am beginning to understand what my previous behaviour did to those around me.
With every day and newfound determination, I become clearer about what kind of person and a friend I want to be. The person that I was before is slowly disappearing. Not that I ever were a bad person. I just wasn’t being as good as I knew that I could be. Destructive lifestyle and choices were blocking the view.
With moving to a new town and with giving up alcohol, and giving myself a higher value, I feel that I am getting closer to becoming a much better person. Hopefully the best I can become.
This year, I am going to celebrate my friend. This coming Saturday we will have a little party with him and two other close friends. Or family as I call them. Because that’s what they are to me. The sober me has gone the extra mile and booked a lovely restaurant on the beach and I have bought him a nice present that I hope he will like. I want to show him that I too can take control over my life and change my path towards becoming a good and trustworthy friend again.