Crossroads

crossroad
Crossroads (thank you pixabay.com)

3 days have passed since I took the leap and left my job (see my previous post).

I do admit that these days have indeed been very strange. As I wrote before, this wasn’t something that just happened over night. But it only took few days to come to the conclusion and one early morning to implement the decision. Before I knew I had started the process and the ball was in the rolling. That day was a real rollercoaster of emotions. I was torn between “What have I done” and “Why did I wait so long” And I am a little bit there still, which isn’t that strange really with everything so new.

I do have made some great changes in my life since I started working almost 2 years ago. And I have come very far when it comes to personal development. For that I am grateful. But, at the same time as I was going through this process towards becoming a better and stronger individual, I did manage push myself a little too far and too quickly.

The beauty and the curse of ADHD and the ability to keep on going no matter how tired you are, has it ups and downs. Once you are moving forward and when you get into a certain gear, there is little that can stop you. And even though I felt completely exhausted many times, I knew I had to go on.

A year ago I was more or less homeless. I did have a roof over my head all the time, but during that year due to various resons, I moved between places 11 times. I carried my few earthly belongings between friends, family and strangers homes. I got ripped off, I got tricked and at some point I felt like I had reached the bottom.

So to keep my sanity I kept on pushing for a better life. I knew I had to. And there comes the beauty of ADHD. If I hadn’t I would not be where I am today. My stubborness and will to make things good again led me to my new home. I fell, but I stood up again.

But the negative part in all this is, the cost, the price I now have to pay is that I did use all my energy, all my resources. And even if I was getting ill more often than not, and my body was starting to fail, I kept going. I kept pushing.

Until now where I finally have stopped. Finding myself at a crossroad. So used to keeping up the pace that I have trouble with winding down. My body is always in the “fight mode”, always prepared for the next round. Even though there is no one to fight. I feel a bit like Don Quijote fighting imaginary enemies.

I guess there is no danger in feeling lost for a while. But eventually you have to make a decision. Any decision just to avoid getting stuck in the current situation. I don’t know how long it will take but I have the feeling it won’t be long. I have already plenty of ideas for example for my blog/diary or what ever I should call this forum. In time I will figure out what to do and where to begin. Just need to organize myself a bit… If that is possible that is.

Maybe it is time embraice who I really am, and accept that my life is and always will be, and feel like, a rollercoaster ride.

Thank you for stopping by and taking your time to read my entry.  If you feel like, you are more than welcome to leave your thoughts in the comment section. I would love to get in touch with people with similar experiences. 

ACK

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